| Hacol besedair? |
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| 06:10am 22/06/2008 |
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mood:  weird
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WOW Israel is insane. lol. I keep meaning to post to LJ but its really hard to put everything that is going on into words. A lot of new experiences and feelings to get in check. I'm going to be reeling when I get back just as I was last time. I came back and felt so weird, but it wasn't from the jetlag. I spent the next few days glued to Facebook as the people on my trip posted their pics and I poured over them and willed myself back to Israel, even if only in my daydreams. I'm not so sure that will happen this time. Birthright presents a very glossy fun picture of Israel. Even our group leader Nadav, said it wouldn't be like that this time the first day on the bus to the the North. He said that going on Birthright was like dying and going to Hell and finding it to be a fun party. Then of course, you choose that you want to go to Hell instead of Heaven. But you arrive with your luggage in Hell to find out that its boiling hot and full of torture. So basically he described Israel as Hell. lol. It hasn't been torture thats for sure, but its sooooo different. Even more than I expected. The people here! I've called my laundry guy 20 times trying to get my fucking clean laundry. I sent it to him last Monday. Being here forces you to be argumentative, pushy and rude. I'm only getting my laundry today because I called the dude and practically verbally harassed him on the phone. Its the only thing he responded to though, I've been trying to be nice all week. Oy. I think that thats my main problem with Israel is that I feel its turning me into something I'm not. But I guess the Israelis would call me a big American softie. Perhaps I am. I mean, I'm not forced to join the army and fight in Gaza as some of the people I've met have done. I get to go to college and enjoy 4 more years of high school minus parents. Oy, I just wish they could find a way to be aggressive without being so fucking rude. |
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| 11:35am 07/06/2008 |
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Soo... Israel is interesting. Interesting would be an understatement. I'm just now starting to get used to it and I've been here a week already. The first couple of days were hard. I was really tired from the flight and we went extreme hiking 2 days in a row and of course went out every night to a bar to party lol. Going to the bar the second night actually helped me connect a lot with the other students, I feel like I've been having a hard time making friends. *shrug* I've definitely been more quiet and reserved lately. Everything is just so overwhelming I have to be careful not to shut down and hole up in my room sometimes. But I am making friends and starting to have fun now that the culture shock has worn off. A bunch of us actually went bar hopping in Tel Aviv last night which was amazing. We didn't get back to Bat Yam until 5am. I got to sample a lot of different drinks,like a cosmo and an amaretto sour and I got an apple martini and some soldier bought me Red Bull and vodka for 5 minutes of conversation. :) We bought huge beers from a convenience store and walked down to the beach and met up with an Israeli that Hannah, one of the other students, was flirting with. It was a very interesting night!!
So anyway, I can't wait to see you all!! I miss joo!! I hope you all are having as much fun in the States as I am here! |
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| 07:59pm 24/03/2008 |
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So I am indeed going to Israel this summer. I cried when my dad said he got my the plane ticket... it was extremely generous of him. I'm trying to get money to help pay but I haven't really gotten any responses from the organizations I've tried. So basically, my dad is the coolest ever, since he's not going to get any money to pay back the $1600 plane ticket. >_< I can't thank him enough! I've wanted to back to Israel soooooooo bad since I got back in December. I'm taking Hebrew in the fall even. I can't believe I'm actually going. Its exciting but scary at the same time. All alone in a foreign country and I don't speak the language. I'll be commuting to Tel Aviv every day via bus. I'm going to miss everyone soooo bad! But at the same time, its something I need to do. If I don't do it now, I may never do it at all! |
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| 03:15pm 27/01/2008 |
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Ughhh! I hate him so much! Just thinking about him makes me stomach hurt and gets me all angry. Just thinking about him being alive and possibly hurting other people makes me want to scream! I have never met such a fucked up, insensitive asshole. I don't know if he intends to hurt people or he's just so emotionally unstable that he can't help it. I feel dumb for allowing him to hurt me for so long until I was so messed up I thought I would never recover. Maybe that's why I took such pride in hurting him back, even though thats not how I am. He made me into a mean hearted, scary person that I didn't know. I can't even begin to describe the bullshit games he played with me. And he does it to everyone, not just me. And he wonders why he has no friends and his parents hate him! He has no friends, he has to resort to calling me to get some semblance of care. And then gets pissed when I don't pick up and say that I really don't want to talk to him. I'd really rather forget that I'd ever known him, ever touched him, ever thought that it might work out between us. He is the scum of the Earth and unless he gets his act together, I don't think he deserves to breath the same air as the rest of the world. |
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| Israel!! |
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| 07:01am 26/12/2007 |
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mood:  contemplative
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So apparently I'm still jetlagged, as I woke up at 6 this morning, wide awake. This is not something I would normally do, as you all well know. But my body is being retarded and thinks that its 1pm instead of 6am. *sigh*
I'm sure everyone wants to hear all about Israel but I don't even know where to begin. I have to say it was the most amazing experience of my life, and that is not an overstatement. I spent a good portion of the trip in awe, for example "OHMIGOD I'M AT THE DEAD SEAD!!" "OHMIGOD I'M ON A CAMEL!" or "OHMIGOD I'M AT THE WESTERN WALL!" Yeah, lots of exclamation points. I've never felt such a connection with a place and I definitely fell in love. The first thing I told my parents is that I want to live there and they didn't believe me! But they don't understand, and you can't, until you've seen it with your own eyes. I've spent my whole life hearing about the places I visited and none of it was real to me. Israel was nothing more than a mythical place to me until I was on the plane, tired, sick, wanting to go, and then getting my first glimpse of the Mediterranean coast and Tel Aviv. I spent the first couple of days with a fever, but it didn't matter because I was home in Israel. When we left 10 days later, I was a different person. I watched Israel fall away from sight of the plane much too quickly and I cried when I couldn't see it anymore.
Besides just touring the sites, we had 8 Israeli soldiers traveling with us for part of the week. That was one of the best parts of the trip for me. It was awesome to be able to find out so much about Israel from people who know it so well. Its one thing to get a tour, its a completely different thing to discuss cultural differences with soldiers that are your age. I think Israel has really got the right idea with the mandatory army service at 18. Our Israeli counterparts were much more mature than the average college student; wouldn't you be if you went through boot camp and was sent in to fight in Lebanon at age 18? If I fuck up school, I'm totally moving to Israel and joining the IDF!
I didn't think I would miss Israel or the soldiers quite as much as I am. I even put off writing this entry because of how upset I'm getting just thinking about the trip. I can't even describe how different I felt during the whole trip. I was a sponge just soaking in the culture. Its the best feeling the world to be in a country where everyone understands exactly what you're going through and you are united in a cause, to protect Israel from her many enemies. And now I'm back in the US, but my mind is still in Israel. Every time I wake up during the night, I feel like I'm back there and its a challenge to drag my mind back to Orlando. Its like my mind is resisting what my body is telling it. I think I was literally high on life for 2 weeks and my mind is having withdrawal!
I know, I know, you want details; where did we go, what did we see? I'll be putting my pics on Facebook today or tomorrow and that should answer most questions. We saw the main sites, Tel Aviv, the Old City, Western Wall, Jerusalem, Dead Sea, Sea of Galilee, the Golan Heights, Mt. Masada and spent the night in a Bedouin encampment. I spent most of my time with Jessie, my roommate for the trip, and one of the soldiers, Etay. Btw, Jessie happens to be in the HOT and plays the French horn with Lydia. Yes, the Homecoming Queen was on the trip. Yes, she was as ditzy and blonde as expected. I spent the week avoiding her and the other sorority girls lol.
In the next entry, I think I'll share some of the more interesting stories about the trip. For now, this is all I can write down without booking a one way plane ticket back to Israel immediately. :( |
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| 03:42pm 26/11/2007 |
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Mmmm its good to be home. Thats right, I said it, Tampa is home now. I realized that this weekend, when I spent the weekend in Orlando wishing to be back here. No matter what, I can't slip back into the old Orlando Jenny, and being at home just makes me feel weird and out of place. I don't belong there anymore. Its like the minute I go home, I fall apart. It hurts so much to want your past so badly and to know there is no way it will ever be the same. Every time I go to Orlando, that becomes more obvious. Being gone for 2 months just compounded everything this time. I'm not so happy about the prospect of winter break... although at least I'll only have to be there from Dec. 25 to Jan. 5/6. |
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| 03:46pm 14/11/2007 |
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3 weeks left, just 3! Then finals week. That should be interesting, considering I have to turn in my Honors take home final early and move up my Abnormal Psych exam in order to come home on Wednesday night to leave on a plane for Israel bright and early on Thursday morning! Its going to be insane! I can't wait for my break from school insanity to go to another place full of insanity, but in a much different way.
Speaking of insanity, does it seem like everyone is a little crazy right now? Maybe its just me and PMS speaking. I find myself just living day to day and trying not to worry about the big picture. Sometimes thats just what you have to do to avoid jumping off the top of the Laurel parking garage. =P |
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| 02:11pm 09/11/2007 |
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mood:  blah
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DUUUDE SWEET CONCERT LAST NIGHT! It was an interesting evening to say the least. First, we had to figure out where the fuck Jannus Landing was. The concert was supposed to be at the Sun Dome but of course they decided to change it at the last minute. So we're following Brett and Ashley around downtown St. Pete looking for the damn place and finally find it. Its a little rinky dink outdoor courtyard so yay for standing for 4 hours. But it was totally worth it!! Shiny Toy Guns made me cream my panties, they're all sooooo hot. They put on a good show and their voices are amazing. Yellowcard is such a high energy band, jumping around and strumming their guitars like crazy. It was funny because I was one of the few that came for the opening bands instead of the headliner, Blue October. I was one of thew few that was into it. Apparently I drew some unwanted attention in the form of an old dude that kept asking me about Yellowcard... he even gave me a high five. I think he was drunk. But other than the random drunk guy and getting beer spilled on my feet like 5 times it was awesome! I'm really glad that Bruce was into it as well or it would've sucked like last week.
Sarah did my Tarot reading today... and wow was that shit accurate. It says that I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, which is coincidentally my Facebook status at the current moment. I dunno, I think the end of the tunnel is still a fair distance away. Bruce didn't believe me when I told him that all relationships inevitably get complicated, and though our problems are nothing by comparison with what I've dealt with in past relationships, we're still a bit off. I just need to stop being a selfish little girl and he needs to lighten up about studying and we'd be good. Easier said than done. These damn emotions get in the way. |
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| 06:24pm 04/11/2007 |
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Interesting week this has been... feeling a lot of empathy pains for Kate and Bruce. Not as productive as I should have been, either. It was Homecoming Week after all... I thought I would have had more fun than I did. I spent half the week making sure that Bruce was ok, and I forgot to enjoy myself. *sigh*
Everyone seems to be one big ball of stress, college seemed like a lot more fun last year. I've been wondering about why we put ourselves through this, but I guess its better than working at Best Buy for the rest of your life. =P I just really want a vacation! |
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| 03:47pm 31/10/2007 |
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I just donated blood for the first time today and I couldn't feel better. It was a really awesome experience and I just feel great about doing something that really matters. Or maybe this is just the lightheadedness talking lol. I was fine and at the very end, my vision started to get dark and I was like.... um I'm getting lightheaded. So they gave me the most tasty soda I've ever had (I guess I really needed it) and kept me in the bus a bit longer. Still, I couldn't have done anything better today. =DDD
Homecoming Dance tonight!! Can't wait! I <3 getting all dressed up and pretty. I didn't realize how much I missed school dances, although I'm sure this will be vastly different from any one that I experienced at Edgewater. Ahh, memories...
And tomorrow I'm riding a fucking mechanical bull... Its a Homecoming event, and no one else from Undergraduate Research Board wanted to do it... so here I am. Should be interesting. I think it starts at 6 at the Sundome, come cheer me on!! |
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| 06:36pm 15/10/2007 |
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mood: contemplative
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I really feel like I've lost touch with my inner drive and motivation. I used to love college because I knew that I was gaining the tools to be successful and make a difference in the world. Even if I didn't particularly care for a class, it was still an opportunity to learn something, whether it be how to bullshit a good paper, improve my speaking skills, etc. Even research seemed to me invaluable in my college experience. This year, I do my homework, I go to class, but it all seems so empty and pointless. Psychology, which I used to love, doesn't move me the way I thought it would when I was taking all the prereqs so I could finally take the fun psych classes. Thats what happens when you set your expectations too high I guess. I'm so ready to start making a difference now. I'm too smart to be wasting away in USF's undergrad psych program for another 2 years!! Its so horrible, that since I feel like I'm not being challenged I've lost all interest in improving myself and actually learning in my classes, rather than just memorizing material for an exam. I looked through the requirements for the nursing and premed programs today... the worst part is that I'm afraid that that would be far too challenging for me. Combined with the fact that I would rather learn nothing else more than psychology leads me to keep my major, for now. Bruce is trying to get me to go to the dark side, engineering! muahaha Who knows? I certainly don't know what I want right now! |
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| 07:08pm 01/10/2007 |
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So here I am again, procrastinating, for a different reason. The tests I had today are past and I think I did pretty well on them if I do say so myself, despite the procrastination. No, I'm sitting the the psych lab, wanting to stab my eyes out... I can't stand to be here anymore! Its so pointless... I'm entering bibliographic info on a computer... for 3 hours... Its torture! I really just want to stop coming, but I would feel bad for ditching them in the middle of the semester. mmprh. LET ME OUT!!! |
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| 05:24pm 29/09/2007 |
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I'm procrastinating... studying for anthro just isn't cutting it for me right now. I'll do fine on the test on Monday, right...? Anyway, I'm much too excited, going to Howl-o-Scream tonight!! I can't wait, I haven't been to Busch Gardens in forever!! *dies* Time is moving much to slowly! |
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| 07:21pm 26/09/2007 |
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I found out in the most horrible way that a girl I went to school with in 6th grade also ended up coming here to USF. I received an email from Hillel about a memorial service for Rachel Futterman, the girl that died on Monday from meningitis. I’m thinking to myself, hah, that’s funny, I know a girl by that name. But I slowly began to realize that this must be the same girl. I even looked her up on Facebook to be certain and sure enough, her picture looked like a grown up version of the girl I had known. Slowly its hitting me . . . I look up her friends and come across familiar names from middle school . . . and then it hits me. I’m sitting in class staring at my computer and I don’t remember anything about the film we were watching. All I can think about is that Rachel, a girl that didn’t even like me or notice me in school, is now dead.
I remember her! I remember her being alive and how much I used to love looking at her hair and how I looked up to her as the paragon of 6th grade beauty. I remember that she lived in Deltona and was late to school every day because of the traffic on I-4. Alas, that is all I know of her and that is all I will ever know. I went to her memorial service, that was hard. Her roommate gave a little speech and I don’t know how she had the strength to do it. If I’m having trouble realizing that a girl I saw breathing 8 years ago is dead, how must she be coping? Its such a waste of life and totally unfair! I will never get a chance to know Rachel ever again. Her life is over! |
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| 07:07pm 17/09/2007 |
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mood:  bouncy
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I try to avoid gushing at all costs, especially about guys. But I find that in this case, I can't resist. I met a guy named Bruce at the Phi Sigma Pi Salsa night last Thursday. We were all starting to partner up for actual dancing and I was of course standing like a deer in the headlights wondering if I should go ask someone to dance. Bruce decides to save me my misery by asking me to dance and we start to talk, you know, just basic getting to know each other stuff. And we keep talking and dancing and before I realize it, I've spent the entire evening with him in what felt like the blink of the eye. I have to say I've never had that instant camaraderie with a guy before.
We ended up going to the next Phi Sig event together on Saturday and again I spent the whole time with him barely even realizing the time was passing. I drop him off in the pouring rain in front of his dorm and get a very unexpected kiss. I think it was all over for me then, I was very much in "like" stage.
Which brings me to Sunday. It was probably the best first date I've ever had. We went out for dinner and a movie (how typical) and it was not very awkward at all, as first dates tend to be. We came back to Holly and hung out with the roommies for awhile and it turns out that the guy has amazing guitar abilities and an amazing voice to boot. I was pretty much floored. And after his little impromptu performance, we ended up talking in my room until 2 in the morning. =DDD Its amazing how close I feel to him already. I'm soo excited!
I am sooo freaking worried about messing it up though... I feel like thats all I ever do to guys, is lure them into a false sense of security and then fuck them over. I can't do that anymore, it makes me sick. I really hope I've moved on from that stage in my life... |
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| 11:56pm 25/08/2007 |
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I am confused as SHIT! I have reached a new level of confusion and I have been very confused before. WTF?! aerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrg! I wish I could stop making an ass of myself but I just keep doing it again and again and again in the vain hopes that the words "We'll have lunch and everything will be fine" are true. He's toying with me! ARG *dies* |
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| 08:40pm 13/08/2007 |
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mood:  sad
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I am so not happy right now. Somewhat due to the fact that my day was pretty shitty due to the fact that I definitely had too much to drink with Russ last night. Was not anticipating actually getting a hangover, which I did, and throwing up in my trashcan at 5 in the morning, which I also did. That was unexpected... I didn't really drink that much, maybe my tummy was just rebelling and wanted to mess up my day. Was totally still hungover for the first hour of work and they noticed... said that I was sick. Well, I was... so its not that much of a lie. *le sigh* I need school. Now. I feel like I'm dying sitting here waiting for my life to start. |
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| 12:19pm 01/08/2007 |
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I have been totally neglecting LJ. *le sigh* I do feel quite inspired now though, so I'll give it a try. I'm sitting at work, bored out of my mind. I have a 30 page list of names, addresses, and phone numbers to put into Excel and its soooo tedious I have to take a break.
I'm really excited about discovering Wicca. The more I read about it, the more I fall in love with it. I haven't really tried to cast a circle or anything yet, its kinda intimidating. I'm so afraid that I won't be able to do it right or something. Besides, I have to read more before I feel really comfortable with it. Today is one of the Sabbats, Ludhnassagh. As a quasi-Wiccan, I feel I should celebrate this day, and its terribly exciting to think this is my first Sabbat ever. I plan to go outside, pick some flowers, continue reading my books, and just generally relax in nature. Its shocking that a ritual so simple can cause me so much joy, its like I finally have an excuse to enjoy nature, something I don't usually make time for in my busy life. |
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| 09:01pm 16/07/2007 |
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Does anyone actually read this anymore? I haven't posted in more than a month and yet the time seems to have flown by. And no matter how annoyed I am sometimes with how things are, I know that in August when I'm back in Tampa, I'm going to miss those late night adventures with Russ, *wink*, or just cuddling with him or knowing that he is going to "drop by" randomly after work to see me. I'm not really sure what I feel for him anymore, but I do know that I care about him more than I can describe. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. |
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| Beatles Nostalgia |
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| 11:47pm 02/06/2007 |
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So a little post while I am thinking of it, as I have been urged by several people to post more often... *glare* Anyhoo, I was wondering why certain music makes one nostalgic. Like, Im sitting here listening to the Beatles and its making think about my past... because the Beatles are from the past? because they ended tragically? because they make me think of my mom? I dont know, its so confusing because I usually know why a song makes me sad or nostalgic. And its even stranger that listening to the Beatles makes me want to be a better person. It was just a simpler time it seems, where you had strong causes you fought for, and you loved deeply, fucked hard and lived life like there was no tomorrow. Everything these days is so wishywashy and it makes it impossible for me to know what I want. Its almost like I have too many options to make a decision and Im eternally worried about making the wrong one that sets me down the wrong path in life. Ugh. I think I worry too much.
P.S. My apostrophe button stopped working... this could be bad. |
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